


8.23 Study

by AmberSock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depressed Sam Winchester, Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Gen, Hell Trauma, POV First Person, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Hell Trials Sam Winchester, Season/Series 08, Trials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 20:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30027744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberSock/pseuds/AmberSock
Summary: “Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam.”I know, I felt it from the instant I finished confessing. But my blood will finally be pure and the slate will be clean again and I’ll be the brother he wanted me to be. And this time it will be Heaven instead of the cage. I don’t see the downside.A close up look at Sam's headspace as Dean tries to talk him out of finishing the trials.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	8.23 Study

**Author's Note:**

> The characters and dialogue are the property of the CW and do not belong to me.
> 
> I've watched this episode four times and I cannot for the life of me figure out what Dean is trying to get across to Sam. It seems like it's not even close to what it is that Sam needs to hear, and I can't leave it alone. So I'm trying to put some context around what Dean is saying from Sam's POV to try to make some sense out of the interaction.
> 
> This was a tough one. I'd appreciate thoughts on what exactly was supposed to be going on in that scene.

I am seconds away from finishing the third and final trial and sealing off Hell forever. I have already drawn the blade across my palm and blood is dripping from my hand. I can feel the remains of the demonic blood flowing through my veins burning off and I’m being incinerated from the inside out. It feels wonderful. It feels like victory. It’s a feeling I haven’t known since I dragged Lucifer and Michael into the cage with me, that I am strong again and capable of doing something good. I’m so close. And then Dean is standing there telling me to stop.

“Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam.”

I know, I felt it from the instant I finished confessing. But my blood will finally be pure and the slate will be clean again and I’ll be the brother he wanted me to be. And this time it will be Heaven instead of the cage. I don’t see the downside.

“So?” I answer, gesturing to Crowley who is almost human again, who is even now trying to figure out his own path to redemption. “Look at him. Look at him! Look how close we are! Other people will die if I don't finish this!”

Dean proposes another alternative- one where Kevin will never get the normal life we promised him and where Crowley won’t be saved. “Think about it. Think about what we know, huh? Pulling souls from hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a Hellhound! We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here. But I can't do it without you.”

He can, he has to, and this will make it so much easier for him. He can't trust me. He doesn’t believe in me, and he hasn’t for a long time. I’m no longer the Sam that overpowered Lucifer and sacrificed himself for greater good. I’m the version that was glued back together like a broken porcelain figurine, a web of mismatched seams with the structural integrity gone where the fragments meet. The version that shattered again and failed him when he needed me. When Kevin needed me. That’s all that Dean sees now.

I try to point out the flaw in his argument.

“You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?”

“Come on, man. That's not what I meant.”

His tone tells me that he knows that’s not true.

“No, it's exactly what you meant. You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.”

And I know I will if I don’t finish this.

“Sam –"

“What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another- another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just –“ _turn to someone else because he can’t depend on me_ , I want to say. But he doesn’t let me finish.

“Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it -- none of it -- is true.”

I wish he would tell me that he trusts me, that he knows I’ll have his back, that he believes in me. That he forgives me.

He doesn’t.

“Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels-”

I remember. Lucifer liked to dress as Dean and carve it all into my flesh over and over so I’d never forget:

_If I didn’t know you, I’d want to hunt you. You’re a monster. I just don’t think I can trust you. I don’t believe in you._

“-But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you.”

I don’t want to be the reason that they walk. I want to be the reason they don’t. I don’t know how else to show Dean that I’m strong enough to do this for him, that I will cross that line for him. That’s what he wanted, isn’t it? To know that I would do for him what he’s done for me? No matter the consequences?

And I feel utterly defeated with what he says next.

“Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”

It’s the last thing I want to hear. Because the first half of the bumper sticker is _Saving people_ , not _Saving people as long as Sammy doesn’t get hurt_. And there’s no way to reconcile what he wants me to be (the one he can count on to do what needs to be done) with what he needs me to be (the broken little brother he needs to protect, his job number one, the reason for his existence).

There is no outcome where I don’t let him down. Either I finish this and abandon him, or I stay and throw away everything we have fought for and suffered through. But he’s made it clear that he’d rather have me as his burden than lose me as his equal, so I make my choice.

“How do I stop?”


End file.
